Road Rage

Have you ever been physically threatened before? I don't speak of being surrounded by basketball players, I mean, has anyone ever threatened to harm you verbally or visually? This weekend, I had my first serious brush with a lunatic, and of course, this happens while I'm driving.

First of all, let me say that driving for a couple of hours on a lonely highway will make a person pretty eager to get home, eager enough to be somewhat self-righteous, but not so much that you have to forget the whole idea of courtesy in the first place. Normally, I try to maintain a certain set of rules while driving, rewarding the polite drivers and trying to win small victories for the little guy by punishing those who are needlessly competitive on the road. Unfortunately, doing so led to a small confrontation of sorts.

While taking an odd detour away from the I-5 through Valencia, a green Chevy Tahoe rolling on at least 24-inch rims tried bullying my poor, rented Trailblazer while merging. I'm talking no signal, accelerating way too quickly in a narrow space, no regard for the safety of my car and the passengers in it by someone obviously with someplace to be, and way too big of a chip on their shoulder. Now, being the responsive jerk I can be when someone is essentially an asshole, I resisted, and closed the gap between the car in front of me to prevent him from his destination. What followed was a little... unexpected.

Mr. Green Monster proceeded to step out of his car, cover his sweaty, obese man-breasts in his sports jersey, and gesture wildly at our vehicle. I'm sure he was saying something emphatically, but I couldn't hear a thing as the Trailblazer has some pretty nice noise canceling features. He continued to spew many a curse word, I imagine, while frantically pointing out each of us in the car. Seeing that at any moment he was going to have a cardiac arrest, I let him in. The whole time, myself and my passengers where cracking up at his sideways baseball cap and demeanor. I've never seen anyone so passionate about merging.

This wasn't the end of it either as "The Bro" then got out of his car again and started flashing what I think was an obscure gang sign, or maybe it was just him telling us what his IQ was, I couldn't quite get his message. He did this a few times, all the while letting other cars in front of him while the spittle foamed from his lips. I think he probably cost himself whatever time he was trying to make up, and I also like to think he feels so much better about his manhood after harassing someone easily one-third his size.

Only in Los Angeles....